Though he slay me ...

I really don't want this blog to be a lot of posts where I whine about my life. I hope that it never seems like that. There are a lot of things that God has brought me to and is bringing me through that I am learning from, it's just stretching and a process. Honestly, I'm not a huge fan of stretching.
We are currently in a 90 days Bible class where we read through the entire Bible in 90 days. Last week was Job. I've always thought, "Well, at least I'm not Job." So many times though, we are just that. We might not physically lose all that Job did, but there are times when God allows us to be tested so that our faith can grow.
Today I went to the doctor. My appointment was great; the baby is doing well. However, I just found out that I am going to have to switch doctors because of some insurance stuff. It will be a blessing financially to us, but it's a pain. I'm so blessed to be in Parma living out God's plan, but living in an apartment is a huge pain. So many things have come to us that are blessing us, but they have brought their own trials and tests and hardships. It's hard to not focus on the difficult.
Then we look at Job. God continually spoke this verse to me this afternoon: "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him" (Job 13:15). I know he'll work it out. I know that our finances will be okay. God has been so faithful to us and has taught us through our faithfulness to him. He has given us a great deal and has brought us here. I know that he didn't bring us here to "slay" us. However, my hope is in him because he gives me joy and peace.
What if God has said, "Look at them, Satan, there is no one on earth like them. They are blameless and upright." I want to live up to Job's description. Job was blessed in the end and his life ended greater than it began. That is my hope!

My heart's desire

So, It's been almost 3 months since I have posted here. To be honest, I've been frustrated with life, God, you name it. I didn't want to blog because I felt like I wasn't hearing from him or that he was even talking to me.
My last blog started with me telling you that I don't like change... Here are the things that I have changed:
1. I'm pregnant and expecting our 3rd baby on April 29.
2. We have put an offer on the first house that we originally wanted 5 months ago... the one I originally blogged about us NOT getting
3. I started working in the church office.
4. I coached junior high volleyball.
5. Last week, I left my job in the church office so that I could start this week teaching 7th grade.

I learned quickly after school started that I missed teaching more than I ever thought that I would. I found myself praying for God to remove the desire to teach from my heart. I knew that he had asked me to step away from teaching and step away from a job and students that I loved! I just didn't understand why.
I was hired because the 7th grade teacher was able to get another job that God is going to use to bless her family. Her life verse is Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will grant you the desires of your heart." Because she has been faithful, I am living out her life verse.
God taught me to do everything that I did to the best of my ability - whether it was making coffee or folding 230 church bulletins. I only ever wanted to do what he wanted me to.
He told me that he would be faithful, and he has been! I'm back in the classroom - I'm teaching history, science, and Bible. In the last 4 days I have felt more fulfilled shadowing than I have in a long time. Bloomfield was an amazing school and experience for me. I loved everything about it and almost every moment of it. However, God's will for me was to move here and be in this place. I'm seeing his hand move and his plan unfold before my eyes.
He has granted me the desires of my heart. I'm not only teaching, but I'm teaching next door to my husband! We work in the same department. I'm working in a school, that is in a church that has embraced my family and I more than we could imagine!
There are things that haven't worked as much as I thought they would - I'm still in an apartment. But I have seen God grant me so many of my desires, I can't wait to see what's next!

dealing with new

I think I've said this before... I hate new! I don't like to change. I like to have a routine - I thrive in routine. I like to eat the same things at restaurants. I just like it. We moved to Parma on July 30 and nothing has been routine since (hence the 11 days in between blogs).
I am a person that yearns to have things the same all the time. I like getting up at the same time and having a schedule.
This month has been crazy. Ben is sick. I started work. Volleyball has begun. I was so excited for this week because my work schedule would be consistent, school would be consistent, and until the end of October; volleyball would be consistent.
Well, first of all we had Monday off - a change. Tuesday worked. Wednesday, Ben's sick! I had to cancel a dr's appointment (at a NEW dr). Thursday, I had to call off work - my second day - and find a NEW pediatrician. Who knows what tomorrow will bring! Not to mention, on Wednesday I was craving the routine that will settle in next week and all of it changed too!
God gave me this verse today on the way home from the doctors. Isaiah 43:19 says, "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." And then, I'm sure he did this just to be funny, he also said, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him." (I Corinthians 2:9).
I know he's doing a new thing in me - he's completely changed my life! Sometimes I tell him, "I can't handle anymore new! Could something please remain the same?!?!" But how can he make away in the wilderness if we are doing things the way we always did them? How can he lay streams in the wasteland if he doesn't put us in the wasteland (although I'm not gonna lie - I DO NOT like the wasteland)? How will we find the new or what he has for us if we don't follow him?
My question to God today is how do I do it? How do I work in all of this new? How do I let go of my routines and let him change them when what I really, really want is stability? I guess he's trying to teach me all of that...

again?

I don't have much inspiration today. I'm a little overwhelmed.
The house that I blogged about a week ago was inspected last night. There are some major things wrong - some deal breaker things.
The seller has told us that he would fix what needed done, but I'm not sure he knew how much needed fixed - like the furnace and the electric!
I'm asking simply for prayer today. We will get the report today and have to decide what to ask. Then if the seller doesn't want to fix those things, we will have to pull out of the deal.
I know that God has a plan for us. I know that he will hold us up and sustain us. I know that he has a place for us.
We just need the path to be laid out.
Thank you in advance!

relax

I am a planner. I like to plan everything - my day, my week, my meals, my year, my husband's year... You name it and I'll find a spot for it on the calendar and start the to-do list. God just spoke to me about this!
My husband and I have been married for 9 years and our son is going to be 5 in November. I have never had the chance to be a year-round stay-at-home mom. I was always home in the summer time, but when school started I logged lots of hours! In that 5 years, we had another baby, my husband worked at a part time ministry position, and we both got masters' degrees. My necessity I had to plan things out.
Now, I'm a stay-at-home mom. It's about to only be part time, but for 2 and a half days a week, I will be home with Hadley. I realize how quickly those hours can fill. I have volunteered to coach our school's volleyball team. I also will be helping with my son's class a couple days a week. All of a sudden, we aren't home so much.
So today, I started to plan. I started filling out my calendar, planning "hard to cook" meals on days I don't have games, figuring out when my son will want hot lunch at school... It all started spinning in my head. Then God reminded me of Matthew 6.Verse 34 says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." 
I spend so much time worrying about what's going to happen tomorrow and how to plan for tomorrow, that I miss out on events today. If I spend this evening, planning for tomorrow so that I can have time with my kids tomorrow; then I won't have time with them today! Chances are that I will spend tomorrow planning for the next day and miss out on time then. 
The challenge that I have given to myself is to relax and worry less about the future. I know it is sensible to plan ahead, but not at the expense of the plans today.

Victory

I know that I have posted about learning to depend on God and not my husband. My husband is tangible and my best friend - not to mention, he's a wonderful protector and sounding board. For the month that we lived apart, I learned quickly that I had to pray through things because I couldn't call him every time I needed something.
This weekend I had social networking drama - a friend unfriended me - and my husband was at a church event. I was going to the event, but I had to wait 2 hours before I would get there. I texted my mom to ask her about it, but I also prayed.
Can I tell you that, as soon as I got to the event, I forgot about the ENTIRE thing?!?!? I didn't remember until I walked back in the apartment and saw my computer. I told my husband about it and we really ended up laughing. God gave me so much peace about the situation that it didn't even cross my mind.
A year ago, I would have packed up the kids, gone to the event early and then cried on my husband's shoulder.
I'm so glad that I have learned to "cast my cares" upon God who can take them and carry them so that I can go on with my day!

timing

I'm sure you've heard the saying "God is never late, he's always on time." Personally, as much as I know it is true; I hate that saying. I hate it.
However, I think that God tests us in this. He tests us in our trust and faith in his timing and provision. He does that with me anyway. Let me tell you another story of how he has worked things out for us.
You all know that we started our journey to Parma May 19 when we made an offer on a house. It was a short sale which is really code for "get your hopes up so they can be destroyed sale!" After 9 weeks, the bank decided not to sell us the house. Thus, we now live in a 750 square foot apartment.
After about 2 days in the apartment, I had to pray for God to change my heart. I tried to be grateful for at least being here, but I was stressed and cramped. I have mentioned before that God has told me that my testimony will be how he sustained me and yet again he has.
He has made opportunities for the kids and I to make memories. He has taught us how to teach our kids and shown us provision time and time again - and it's only been 19 days.
Thursday we looked at houses. We were going to look at one a second time and our realtor had 2 others to show us. When we walked into the first house (the second time house) I hated it. I couldn't get out fast enough. Then Lori took us to a house she'd found for us. It was actually one that I'd seen online and didn't pay attention too. It's the opposite of the original house we offered on in May! It needs some work (mostly just painting), but we loved it as soon as we walked in. We sat down with Lori to make our offer.
Here's the kicker(s). I finally decided on Monday/Tuesday to finish hanging pictures on the wall and unpack the last of the boxes. I was refusing to do anymore unpacking because I didn't want to live here long enough to worry about it. When I decided that I needed to live in a homey and peaceful place, God decided that he could move me out of it!
Not to mention, August 16 was our LAST paycheck from last school year. We have NO extra money coming in at the moment. Isn't it just like God to time things so that they can only work in his power! We can afford the house, don't get me wrong; but until I start working, we have 0 extra cash. Tonight, after waiting 24 hours, the sellers countered with an offer that we accepted. We qualify for an FHA loan which means the house will need to be inspected and certain things will have to be fixed. The seller offered to fix those things if we paid a little more money. This will save us from having to have a certified person take care of anything needed repaired.
I've gotten to the point with God, that I know if I can figure out a plan in my head, he'll make something else happen. If I can figure it out then I'm probably operating in my flesh and I'll get glory for it. When we let things happen according to his plan, we can't help but give Him the glory. I'm sure in about 6 weeks, I'll be very content with God's timing. Right now, I'm pretty sure he's shaking his head and reminding me that he has his own schedule!

Sustaining

I blogged before about the time God spoke to me about sustaining me and He truly has. I am notorious for running to someone when I have a problem or can't do something. Usually, that person is my husband and he shoulders it all quite well.
I've known for  a long time that God wanted to be the first person I ran to, but it was always so much easier to run to Jer. After Jer moved to Parma, I ran to my mom. Then came the days when they were both in staff meetings at the same time! I had no where else to go, but God!
While I don't have to worry about that as much because Jeremy and I live in the same place now, God spoke to me about it again this morning. The second half of Isaiah 46:4 says, "I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and I will rescue you."
He uses sustain twice in that verse. He also made me and will carry me. Sometimes I forget that God is in control and has ordered my steps.
If we walk in obedience and follow his will, he will carry us. He will get us to where we need to be and he will sustain us along the way!

the little things

Everyday, God amazes me with his blessings. He continually makes me aware that he's taking care of me and he knows, not only what I need, but also what I want.
When Jeremy and I first came to Parma for our interview, I looked up local food places. My favorite donuts are Krispy Kreme. There is no where in Kinsman to get them fresh. There's a Krispy Kreme a mile from our new church. Jeremy loves Chik-fil-a. There's one 5 minutes down the highway. These were two big signs that this was where God was sending us.
I'm learning now that I like things I didn't know I liked (does that make sense). For example, a garbage disposal is an AMAZING thing! I'm racking up fuel perks! I have ice cube trays in my freezer! I haven't had ice cube trays for 8 years because our water in Vernon was so gross. We don't have to buy water in bottles.
In the time that I worry or stress about driving in the "big city" or finding a house. My mind goes back to all of those little things that God has put in place just for me.

changing my heart

Every time I pray about what to post here, God has me post something he's taught me. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm whining all of the time! I'm just in a season of a lot of learning! My heart is being changed in many ways as my type A/beaver personality is being pulled and stretched in more ways than I ever thought possible!
When Jeremy and I made the decision to leave Kinsman and come to Parma, I had to quit my job. It was way more difficult for me to walk away from teaching than it was for Jer. His calling is ministry and working in the church. I always felt that my calling was the public high school.
I prayed a lot about this as opportunities for this school year started popping up as I made the decision to leave. Some old professors wanted me to have a student teacher. I had just won a grant that provided my classroom with a great deal of technology. Other things popped up here and there. I remember praying and asking God about this. He spoke to my heart about the difference between opportunities for Him and opportunities for work - kind of a kingdom vs. earthy thing. I have clung to that moment.
Now that it's time for school to start, I MISS school. I drive by the high school here (one of the 3) and wonder what the teachers are doing and how they are getting ready. I envy my husband who will be teaching junior high in the school at our church.
God reminded me today of Philip and the Ethiopian in Acts 8. Philip was thriving in ministry in Samaria. There were crowds and miraculous signs. People were freed and healed. Then God moved him. It doesn't say why. It just says an angel came and told him to go down the road. So Philip left, and God led him to the Ethiopian who needed the scriptures explained to him. God led Philip to someone else who needed him.
I know that is what God has done. He has shifted us to a place with kingdom opportunities. This is where I am trying to focus my thoughts.
I've learned over the past month to just pray for God to change my heart. It is way easier for him to make my heart like his than it is for me to demand he make things the way I want them. I've learned that things God's way are better anyway. 

embracing the new

For those of you who know me, I do not embrace change of any kind. I don't like to change routine, my hair, my anything - let a lone my life. I thought that moving where God wanted me would nullify my resistance. Well, I'm not going to lie, I'm having a difficult time. Nothing here is the same. I know that is kind of a "duh" statement. The Walmart is laid out different.The drivethru's aren't the same.
I don't want to sound whiney. I know that I've posted a lot of struggles on here, but it is through this whining to God that he's been teaching me.
Today when I said, "God, even the Home Depot is new." He responded with Isaiah 43:19, "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." The thing is, He's doing this in my heart. He's providing me with a new heart in a way he couldn't any other way. He's spoken to my husband with an intimacy he never could have had. He's giving us opportunities that we would have never thought possible or that we would have even thought we would have wanted. He's doing a new thing in us. I am excited to see what that means for those around us as well!

learning to be content

And here comes another lesson!
It has been a few days since I've blogged. Sunday we drove to Parma and back for church; Monday we moved to Parma; Wednesday I drove back home for a 31 party; I drove back to Parma. Today (actually about 15 minutes ago) God gave me a "put on your big girl pants" lesson.
I am thrilled, to say the least, to be under the same roof with my husband. I love being together, making him dinner, sleeping in the same town/county/building! I've also whined... a lot! I'll be totally transparent, I am NOT an apartment person. We are on the third floor. If I need to make multiple trips to the car, I have to get the kids together, lock the door, go downstairs, find my car - in a parking lot - climb the stairs carrying who knows what and usually a child, unlock the door to get back in. I don't mind the city. I'm starting to like it, actually. It's a little crazy, but I love that I can walk to anything (I won't, but I could if I wanted to).
I prayed a lot today on our way back to Parma for God to please give us a house. While we were standing on our balcony tonight, the kids were marveling at a squirrel. I was counting the beer cans the neighbors dropped off their balcony and on to the "yard." God reminded me of how much I whined in Farmdale. It was almost a "you're never happy with what I give you" feeling. Then I remembered Paul in Phillippians 4:12 ^"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." I have NOT learned this.
I did decide today that I don't want to be miserable everywhere I am and I've pretty much done that the last 6 weeks. So, from now on, I need to learn "the secret of being content in any and every situation."

Just plain thankful

So Monday is the big day. After 42 days apart, we finally get to live as a family again. I have posted previously that I never thought that I would have made it through. It really was only by the grace of God that I did.
As I sit today and think back, I'm not only thankful for how God brought me through, but I am also thankful for those that God put in my life to get me through. I moved in with my mom, basically so that I didn't have to spend all of the nights alone. I'm not big on staying in my house without Jeremy. It helped a lot to have my mom and sister home at night to keep me occupied. When nights got hard, I always had them to hug me, watch a movie with me, or just help with bed time. 
My in-laws helped me more than they probably know as well. Tuesdays were the hardest days of the week. I spent most Tuesday's feeling like I was in a downward spiral. Tuesdays were the farthest I was from seeing Jeremy and they were long days. I usually spent mornings crying while I tried to take care of all things kid related and keep them from knowing.
One Tuesday, I cried all morning, texted my mother-in-law to see if we could come swim... I cried all the way to her house. She helped entertain the kids, fed us dinner, and then let me take a nap on the couch. I'm not sure what I would have done without her that day.
Ecclesiastes 4:10 says, "But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." I am so grateful for these 3 ladies in my life and that my kids have these ladies in their lives. God used them in ways I know that none of them realize and for that, I'm just plain thankful.

learning to adjust

If you study the personalities, I am a classic beaver/type A/melancholy/insert your own term here. I need a plan and a list and a calender. I'm slightly OCD and have been known to carry multiple calenders to keep organized.
Living without a plan and having to rely on how quickly other people do their work has been horrible for me. I've been planning on moving Monday, however it wasn't until 3:30 today that I knew for sure that it would happen. I've tried to let things go and "live for the moment," but it has been a struggle.
Today was one of my low days in this entire process. I'm not sure what it was. I just felt so close and so far away from getting to where I want to be. I honestly threw a temper-tantrum. I'm ashamed to say it included me saying, "why does God do this to me?" I laid down to take a nap and prayed: "God, I just blogged about your faithfulness. I need you to be faithful now." He kindly replied, "You also blogged about how you needed to be faithful."
So quick am I to praise him and hope on my blog or facebook to say things are great when they are, but how quick am I to complain when I don't see him working. I was not faithful in my praise today, only in my whining.
Psalm 55:22 says, "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." Yes, we may have to wait until the 11th hour. I have done that so many times, I don't know why I doubted today. However, I am working on my faithfulness to praise and wait on him. I need to give him my cares and allow him to work it out, even if I have to wait and scrap my calendar! 

more and more

I love it when God reminds me of who he is and how he will provide for me. I love it that he takes care of all of the little things so that I don't have to worry about it. I also love it that sometimes when I worry about it, he gives me more than I thought I needed in the first place. (Does that make sense?)
I recently signed on with a company doing home parties and selling bags and purses. Because of copyright stuff I can't tell you exactly who it is, but I could probably give you 31 reasons to buy some! ;) Anyway, I have a number of incentives to work towards in order to add to my kit and inventory. For the first 90 days, I earn rewards for every 3 parties that I have. I was able to fill the first 3 easily and earn those rewards. The second set which basically spanned the month of July was a little more difficult. I had a few fall through. Now, it's the eleventh hour, I'm down to the wire, and not only do I have my second set of 3 parties, but by the end of the week I will have my 3rd a month early! Last week I was so worried about it and this week God said, "I provided last week, now I'll double it!"
Malachi 3:10 talks about God's faithfulness to us when we are faithful to Him. "'Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,' says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it." 
 I love how he continues to show me his faithfulness. I have tested God over and over again! I feel like I am now tested in my faithfulness back. I've waited until the 11th hour trying to do it on my own only to have him go above and beyond! Now I need to be faithful in the 11th hour and just let him do it alone!

Getting the better pair

God has talked to me a lot about the difference between what is "good" and what is "best." We are so quick to settle for something good when what God really wants for us is the best thing. Jeremy and I were totally confident that the house we didn't get was the best thing. Then we didn't get it. That means there has to be a better thing - or a better way out there.
Today we looked at apartments. Neither of us are ecstatic about apartment living. We are two country kids who like grass and yards, but the kids and I need to get to Parma. We looked at an apartment, the last available apartment. It was fine. I was ready for anything that didn't have bugs as long as we were all together. Our leasing agent told us we needed pay stubs and money orders (for our processing whatevers). I left the pay stubs in my car so we had to run and grab them and come back. The agent said, "No one is going to come in the next half an hour and rent it. You will be fine."
We left and came back.
She started our conversation with "Funny story..." Now, I really wasn't in the mood for a funny story at this point in time. There wasn't a whole lot that was going to make me laugh!
The people who were in the office when we arrived who were speaking with another agent rented the apartment while we were gone! I'm not even joking! As I was getting ready to bang my head off of the wall, agent B came over to save the day. The complex has a model apartment that has been upgraded. They are not allowed to show it because not all of the apartments have (get this) granite counter tops and new cabinets and they would show one apartment, but then have to rent out a lesser apartment. They got permission to rent us the model apartment at the same price. It has a better view and the same layout, it's just new!
Jeremy has loved telling this story. As he mentioned it to a friend at church she said, "This is just an example of what God is going to do for you with the house."
It is a perfect example of finding the "good" when God wants us to have the best! I wonder what God thinks sometimes of our wishes. I'm ready to settle for a room without bugs and he wants to give me granite counter tops!

I may need elastic pants

One of our greatest trials in the whole moving process has been just that, moving. We found the "perfect" house for us 2 months and 4 days ago. We made an offer, the sellers accepted, the bank made us wait. After 2 months and 4 days, we found out that the sale is not going to go through the wa things are.
Now is my time for confession, I am a spoiled wife. I have an amazing husband who I love more than anything. I would rather spend time with him and our children than do anything else in the world. He's my best friend and my rock. I have spent the last month and 5 days with him in another city. I usually see him 2.5 days a week. I have learned an entirely new appreciation for military families because I'm telling you now... I couldn't do it.
So, why didn't got tell us 2 months and 4 days ago that the house wasn't going to go through. Why have I spent 36 days counting the hours until Jeremy gets home and then praying the moments he's here never end?
Well, God needed to grow me and he needed to grow my husband. In the moments that I was sure to have enough faith that God was going to give us the house, I heard God whisper, 'Will you have faith if I don't?' I honestly pretended not to hear, because at the time, I really don't think that I did.
I told God over and over that he could give me a really cool testimony because buying a house through short sale really isn't short. I'd be able to tell everyone how he provided for us. In fact, the day after we made the offer, a friend told me, "The Lord says that you have been faithful to him, now he'll be faithful to you." I knew she was talking about that house. I knew I was going to have a testimony of God's faithful provision.
Yesterday during worship God whispered again, "Your testimony will be how I sustained you." Isn't that amazing? God took care of me in ways that I didn't know he would because I was so focused on the house. He provided joy and strength that I could have never imagined. He has become my rock because there were days when he was all I had.
I know the perfect house is coming. It may even be the house that we were just told wouldn't work. However, until then, I know that God is faithful. He's growing and stretching me into just the right pants!

Learning to put on my pants

On June 18 my husband left for a missions trip. He was gone for a week. On June 28 he moved to Parma, an hour and a half away, to start his new position as a children's pastor. This has been our dream for the past 5 years.
However, what's not part of our original dream was that our housing wouldn't go through in time for the kids and I to go with him. Right now, we are living separately. Personally, I hate it.
The Tuesday after he left for his trip, my kids wanted to spend the night at their grandma's. Let me tell you, I am spoiled. I don't sleep alone in my house, EVER. Letting them stay there while Jeremy was gone was a huge thing to me. I had a melt down. I cried to God, yelled at God, plead with God. My answer: Put on your big girl pants. What I really wanted was for God to send a lightening bolt and fix all of my problems. Instead, he told me to grow up. While it wasn't really the answer I wanted, it has begun a process of growing for me that I wouldn't have had otherwise.
This has become a fun "catch phrase" God and I share. When I'm stressed and want to wine and cry, that is the first thought that comes to mind.
I do have to say that after my fit on that Tuesday night, I was filled with strength and joy that couldn't have come from anywhere but God. He has sustained me and brought me through. I feel a sense of God and his presence more now than I have before.
While I'd rather be with my husband and serving with him, I know that I could not have learned these things without this season.

Life Lessons

Over the past month, God has taught me more about life and living life with him than I have ever learned. I've wanted to write these lessons and share them.
When God first told me "You need to put on your big girl pants," I was hitting a low point. God knew I needed to grow up a little if I was going to survive it. This Blog will be my story of finding just the right pants!